


The Complexity of Feelings

by StevetheIcecube



Category: Xenoblade Chronicles 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Coping, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-25 14:02:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13836273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StevetheIcecube/pseuds/StevetheIcecube
Summary: Jin struggles with emotions he can't understand and gets help from an unexpected source.





	1. Restlessness

The feeling was back. It felt like sickness crawling in his throat, yet he didn't get sick and didn't even know how he knew what getting sick felt like. A lump in his throat, then, and an aching in his stomach. A pressure behind his eyes, a dryness in his mouth... It was all there. Back with a vengeance almost every day, these days.

He preferred emptiness and constant throbbing pain to whatever this was. A heart that wasn't his racing in his chest like it belonged to him was not what he'd anticipated when he took the hand of his enemy on a dark, rainy night. Sometimes he felt dizzy from the pressure and the sensations all around him. Most of the time, though, he just felt restless. An unending restlessness that just wouldn't leave him alone.

He was trying to rest. His body wanted rest, but his mind wouldn't allow it. His mind flickered in every direction and summoned whispers of screams he half heard and half imagined. Hundreds of screams, all echoing one after the other. He could barely even draw a complete breath before he had to let it out again, desperately trying to stay in a state that might manage to slow his heart rate.

Despite it all, he kept his eyes closed. He knew from years of experience at this point that he would fall out of consciousness eventually. And that wouldn't happen if he opened his eyes and got up. If he got up, this feeling would continue until he came back here and managed to fall asleep.

It was like this every night. From the moment he woke to the moment he finally managed to sleep the feeling just kept building. Sometimes, like tonight, he tried to figure it out. Why did he feel this way? He could barely even put a single word to the sensations. He knew it was an emotion of some form, but he couldn't get much further than that. He'd never been good with feelings. Ignoring them was fine, he could usually do that, but working out what they were was hopeless. And now there was this feeling, or collection of feelings, and he couldn't just will it away. It wasn't a moment of doubt on a battlefield; it was a constant internal battle in and of itself and he just couldn't get it to go away.

Eventually, though, tiredness took over. Bone deep exhaustion from a day of endless struggle against this feeling of fear won out over the feeling itself and he could finally get some real rest. He'd just have to continue dealing with the feeling in the morning.


	2. Questions and Answers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This technically has spoilers but the bits dealt with are implied from about Ch5 :)

This time, when he realised he was feeling so restless that he couldn't even dream of sleeping, Jin didn't even bother heading off to rest when he normally would. He was tired, sure, but not nearly tired enough that he'd be able to fall asleep any time soon, so he decided to grab one of the books that was perpetually discarded on a desk top once Akhos was done with it and actually read something for once.

Of course, he'd apparently managed to pick up a very dense, inaccessible text, so the moment he read more than a few words his mind started to wander and he had to read the whole sentence again, and again, and again. This was not helping his mind stay settled. After several minutes, he discarded the text and picked something else up. This one was still decidedly dry, but it was a bit more on Jin's level. He'd never exactly been a big reader, but sitting on a warship for hours on end while it travelled halfway across Alrest meant he couldn't be picky about how he chose to spend his time.

He read for a couple of hours. He felt slightly calmer, but no more ready for sleep. Why was it tonight that sleep chose to evade him? Normally a couple of hours of reading would do it for him and he'd be able to contemplate resting, but for some reason that wasn't to be that night.

It was then he heard something moving down the hallway. Logically, it was just one of the others, up and about at a strange hour. You didn't exactly get intruders in a sealed vessel beneath the Cloud Sea. But for some reason his heart started racing twice as fast and all the progress he'd made on his nervousness just vanished. "Who's there?" He called. The sound echoed slightly.

"It's only me!" Came the reply. Jin didn't recognise the voice for a moment and for an instant his brain leapt to panic before logic kicked in. The voice was young, female, and Gormotti, which meant it had to be Nia.

She approached, and for a while neither of them said a word. Nia just moved to perch on the seat just across the room from him. "What are you doing up?" He asked. Most people were asleep at this time, or at least resting. It was late.

"Nothing much," she said. "Thinking, I guess. About this place. And fighting. I mean, what are we really fighting for?" Nia was new to the team. No one fully trusted her just yet. These questions were natural and maybe she genuinely didn't know.

"Did you find the answer?"

"Not yet," she admitted. "I understand what you're doing and why, but I don't know if I want to follow it yet."

Jin didn't feel like arguing with her, so he kept his protestations to himself for this one. If she understood why they were doing it then she should be fully committed. The fact that she was not just showed she didn't yet understand. There was silence for a few moments. "Why are you up?" She asked.

"I can't get to sleep," he said plainly. If was true. "I'm not relaxed enough to sleep so I'm making myself more tired to make that easier."

"Really now?" Nia asked, and from the shift in the flow of ether around them, Jin could tell she was assessing his health again. She did it all the time, around everyone, and Jin wondered if she knew she was doing it at all. "I mean- at your health it's a wonder you're walking around at all, even during the day. I don't know what could keep you up."

"Feelings," he said. He didn't know why he was sharing it, but he was. Nia was a healer on a different level to Akhos (who was content to ignore he was a healer), maybe she'd know what he was talking about. Not that healers could do anything about the mind.

"Heart racing, half your body aching, an uncontrollable nervousness for no reason?" Nia asked. She probably already knew that from examining him. Jin nodded to confirm her words. "It's your body telling you that something is wrong, because you're ignoring it."

"I know something is wrong," he said. It was impossible to forget, of course, that his time was ticking and he couldn't do anything about it.

"But you're not getting better, so your mind thinks you can't see it at all," she said. "I imagine it's better in the morning than at night?" Jin nodded. "That's because your body is less exhausted."

"Well how do I tell my mind I know about it, then?" He asked. Nia's only response was a shrug.

"You can't," she explained, "but you can try and lessen the feeling a little. It's just like any old nervousness. Take slow, steady breaths, as slow as you can comfortably make them, and try to clear your mind of thoughts. That'll slow your heart rate and make it easier for you to sleep."

As she spoke, Jin tried what she'd advised. Surprisingly, it helped, if only a little. The restlessness remained in his mind and limbs but it didn't hurt nearly as much as it had before. "It works," he said with a small smile to her. "Thanks."

"No problem," she said, jumping to sit on the counter next to the pair of them and immediately beginning to swing her legs. "You should probably get some rest now, even if you feel better."

"I will," he said, standing. "Maybe you're not worn out like me but you should rest too."

"I'll rest in a bit," she said. "I think I have some more thinking to do." And from then, Jin found that sleep caught up to him a lot more easily, but Nia never did find her answer while she was by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As someone who suffers from anxiety (and kinda wrote the first chapter as vent fic) I'm very aware that Jin's feelings possibly aren't his body telling him something is wrong :) but the coping methods are real enough.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone has a comment, feedback is highly appreciated :)


End file.
